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- January 2007 -
Monday
1\29\07 -
11:09 AM GMT
Alberto
Gonzales imprisoned without charges
US Attorney General Alberto
Gonzales has been imprisoned with no charges brought
against him and is being indefinitely detained at an
undisclosed location in Eastern Europe. A panicked Gonzales
was forcibly removed from his home Sunday night by government
agents after a week of warrantless phone surveillance
provided evidence against him that cannot be shown in
court. White House press secretary Tony Snow would not
comment on the reasons for Gonzales's imprisonment,
but guaranteed that his treatment would fall within
the guidelines of the Geneva Conventions as interpreted
by President Bush.
Monday
1\22\07 -
10:05 PM GMT
Smith
becomes crumbsweep
To help support his increasingly expensive addiction
to LEGO, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is starting a
part time job today as a crumbsweep at a local fancy
restaurant. "I'm the guy that comes around after
you've eaten the entrées, but before you get
the dessert menu," explained Smith. "I have
a long flat metal utensil that I use to sweep all the
crumbs off the table." Smith will be earning $2.95
per hour plus tips at his new job. Added Smith: "nobody
tips the crumbsweep."
Sunday
1\14\07 -
4:33 PM GMT
Bush
to throw 21,000 more logs onto fire
Telling his wife Laura that he "still feels
sort of cold", US President George W. Bush made
plans today for another 21,000 logs to be thrown onto
the fire burning at the White House since Spring of
2003. Though many have expressed worry that the blaze
has long been burning out of control and causing irreparable
damage to the entire surrounding area, Bush characterized
himself as an optimist for believing that this surge
of fresh combustible material will finally bring the
situation under control.
Friday
1\05\07 -
10:05 PM GMT
Dems urge republicans to come out of closet
Taking control of Congress this week, Democrats
struck a chord of openness and bipartisan friendship
by inviting republicans to come out of the closet. "It's
OK," urged new House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in a
soothing tone, "We're not in middle school anymore.
You don't have to pretend to be anti-gay to be accepted
by your peers." One freshman republican congressman
appeared happy to take opportunity to out himself, but
was reportedly later castigated by his fellow party
members and had his lunch money stolen. Republican leadership
has also announced plans to draft a constitutional amendment
banning homosexuality.
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