- October 2000 -
Monday
10\30\00 - 8:06 PM GMT
Human Heads album nears completion
After months of diligent work, the debut album by Lila
Tene & Rev.
Smith's new band The Human Heads is almost
ready for release. A Thanksgiving Day launch for
the album is expected. Music stores across the
globe are scrambling to make sure they will have sufficient
copies of the album on hand to avoid things turning
ugly as they did with the release of Smith's 1999 album
LIFE
& DEATH.
Thursday
10\26\00 - 3:55 PM GMT
"Nougat-ass" added to language
With a 6-1 vote, the deciding committee of the Oxford English Dictionary
today officially added the hyphenated word "nougat-ass"
to the list of words that will be added to the 2001
edition of their famous tome. The entry credits Rev.
Smith's autobiographical short story You
Drive; I'll Shoot with the term's origin, and will
include the example sentence "Goddamn nougat-ass
froodies be smackin' out like Ralph Nader at McDonald's."
Monday
10\23\00 - 12:05 AM GMT
Smith tarred, feathered
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was rudely awakened at dawn this morning
when he was stuffed into a burlap sack, carried into
the village square by a local mob, and promptly tarred
and feathered. Throughout the day, many of his peers
came out to laugh at him in this most humiliating condition.
As the sun set, the same mob washed him of the tar and
feathers, dressed him in fine linens, and proclaimed
him King of France.
Friday
10\20\00 - 8:37 AM GMT
E! Celebrity Profile
Tonight's E! Celebrity
Profile features Rev. Smith and a host of close
friends and fellow celebrities. Smith warns, however,
that viewers should take their stories about him with
a grain of salt. "Tony [Danza] really has no right
to characterize our relationship in that light,"
said Smith. "And I think Webster is still upset
that we've cast [Gary] Coleman to play him in [BRAD:
the game] the movie."
Tuesday
10\17\00 - 6:40 PM GMT
"Tastes like chicken"
Trapped for more than 100 hours in the rubble of a weekend earthquake
in San Francisco that measured 8.4 on the Richter scale,
Rev. Smith was forced to gnaw off and eat his own left
arm, surviving off its sustenance for days while waiting
to be rescued. Having barely survived the ordeal,
Smith is now taking pains to make sure his replacement
arm is made from space-age polymers which are at least
80% more earthquake-proof than standard human flesh.
Saturday
10\14\00 - 3:52 AM GMT
Blast from the past
Rev. Smith today received a blast from the past at approximately 2pm
EST. The blast knocked him backward onto his ass, leaving
him momentarily stunned and confused. The source of
the blast is unknown at this time, but some experts
have suggested that Smith himself may be responsible,
having at some point in the 1980s blindly sent forth
this blast into the future - only to strike himself
today. "How fitting that would be," noted
his aunt Pam.
Wednesday
10\11\00 - 8:13 AM GMT
Shut the fuck up!
Look, I don't even wanna hear it from you, alright? Don't even
get started with me. Just keep your big mouth
shut. Jesus H. Christ. I mean enough already...
What? What's that? What did I just
fucking tell you?! Shut the fuck up!
Sunday
10\8\00 - 5:48 PM GMT
Hurricane 2000
It's early morning. The sun comes out.
Last night was shaking - and pretty loud. My cat
is purring - and scratches my skin. So what is
wrong with another sin? The bitch is hungry. She
needs to tell. So give her inches - and feed her
well. More days to come; new places to go. I've
got to leave. It's time for a show. Here
I am! Rock you like The Scorpions!
Tuesday
10\4\00 - 12:15 PM GMT
BRAD: the game
- back up!
It took an army of highly skilled engineers a fortnight to bring it about,
but Rev. Smith's BRAD: the game went back online
this morning, to the cheers of thousands of the games
enthusiasts. A band of rabid B:tG
fans from Idaho City, ID, who had been on a 'urine strike'
for the duration of the game's downtime, finally relieved
themselves at 9:16 AM. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah," said
one.
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