- April 2000 -
Sunday
4\30\00 - 11:46 PM GMT
More borscht? No thanks!
Dining at the American consulate in Poland this evening, midway through
dinner with several high-ranking officials, The Rev.
Brendan Powell Smith was cordially offered a second
bowl of borscht. "No, thank you," he replied
as politely as possible. Smith later revealed to the
press that the mere smell of the soup had made him feel
ill, and that when nobody was looking, he had poured
the first bowl down his pants.
Thursday
4\27\00 - 2:50 PM GMT
Rumors of GOF
UGNÜT reunion false
Reacting to yesterday's front page story run by a Dutch tabloid claiming
the imminent reunion of GOF
UGNÜT,
Rev. Smith today dismissed the rumors as "hogwash".
He further denied any knowledge of an animatronic Jonathan
Anthony Field built by U. N. scientists especially for
this event. GÜ broke up
in 1993 after Field died in an olympic-sized swimming
pool of his own vomit.
Monday
4\24\00 - 3:12 AM GMT
Smith down 7 7/16 in heavy trading
Shares of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith were off 7 7/16 at day's end
after jittery investors staged a late session sell-off.
"This has long been an over-valued stock, and a
correction of this magnitude was inevitable," stated
W. T. Johnston. Rev. Smith, based Mountain View,
CA, recently added The
Second Coming to his product line, hoping to continue
the success he has had with his recent
album and flagship project BRAD:
the game.
Wednesday
4\19\00 - 8:38 PM GMT
drsaw-ssa-kcab dekconk htimS
.lamron ot kcab saw gnihtyreve dna rorrim htgnel-lluf a edisni deppets
htimS nehw retal ruoh na flah tuoba deidemer saw noitautis
ehT "!draw-ssa-kcab yletelpmoc dekconk neeb ev'I"
,htimS demialcxe "!tihs yloH" .drawkcab saw
gnihtyreve ,pu doots eh nehw dna yadot reilrae ssa sih
no talf dekconk saw htimS llewoP nadnerB dnereveR ehT
Sunday 4\16\00 - 9:41 PM GMT
Catholic church adopts 3rd testament
In a historic 1-0 vote, the Pope today voted to adopt The New Improved
Testament into the church's official
Holy Bible. This third "testament" joins the
ranks of the ancient Old Testament and the long-accepted
New Testament as official word of GOD. This newest testament
"completes the trilogy" according to the Pope.
It is expected that other Christian churches will follow
the Pope's lead, adopting this work in weeks to come.
Friday
4\14\00 - 12:56 PM GMT
Smith constructs time machine
After years of research and countless hours of round-the-clock construction,
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has finally developed
a working time machine. This early model is not
without its restrictions, explained Smith, as it can
only travel forward in time not backward. Nonetheless,
its first test was an unqualified success. "This
morning I stepped into the machine and set it for an
hour into the future. After a grueling sixty-minute
journey, I had arrived in the future," smiled Smith,
"exactly on time."
Tuesday
4\11\00 - 7:13 AM GMT
Dentist informs Smith of new cavity
A routine visit to the dentist for a cleaning yesterday revealed that
Rev. Smith may have a new cavity developing. "His
teeth are fine," said Dr. Yakamoto, "That's
not the problem. But there is evidence to suggest that
Smith may have an anal cavity." The dentist
told Smith that he needs to brush more often, always
remembering to get to those hard-to-reach-spots, and
not to forget to floss regularly.
Thursday
4\6\00 - 6:50 PM GMT
Would you like some fries with that?
Let's see... that was one double cheeseburger - hold the mayo, one spicy
chicken super-value meal with a medium Sprite, two large
orders of onion rings, a big bacon classic with just
lettuce, a small vanilla shake, a medium Diet Coke,
and two apple pies to go... would you like some fries
with that, sir?
Monday
4\3\00 - 3:43 PM GMT
The
New Improved Testament goes online
Who could forget The Reverend's wacky daily comic strip The Second Coming
from his salad days at Boston University? Well,
if you have somehow forgotten or never got to
see them in the first place, now's your big chance to
catch up on all those crazy misadventures of Jesus,
Brendan, GOD, Tori, Frog the Frog and the whole gang,
in The
New Improved Testament, the definitive collection of all The
Second Coming comics ever... now online!
Friday
4\1\00 - 8:20 PM GMT
April Fools!
Yesterday's report of scary monsters attacking the Earth was really
just a good old fashion April Fool's Day joke. If you
fell for it, well, count yourself among the untold thousands
who got duped and took such (in hindsight pretty silly)
actions as: emptying their bank accounts, fleeing to
bomb shelters for days on end, and/or mass suicide.
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