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- February 2006 -
Monday
02\27\06 -
6:57 PM GMT
Bush taps Bin Laden to run
Homeland Security
President Bush announced
today that he has chosen Osama Bin Laden as his new
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Bush
appeared surprised by the immediate icy reaction to
his announcement even among members of his own political
party, and assured Americans that Mr. Bin Laden is a
"terrorism expert", further noting that there
has been a long and friendly relationship between the
Bush and Bin Laden families. "I trust him,"
said Bush, "I think he's going to make a heck of
a Homeland Security chief." Though congressional
democrats have expressed grave concern over Bush's choice,
they say will likely do nothing about it. Said Sen.
John Kerry: "You've got to pick your battles."
Tuesday
02\21\06 -
10:22 AM GMT
Smith gives hobo a knuckle
sandwich
Having been asked for the umpteenth if he could
spare a little change for some food, Rev. Smith finally
broke down and gave the hobo on the corner of 24th and
Elm a knuckle sandwich. Stunned onlookers gawked until
Smith loudly asked if anyone else wanted some. They
then quickly dispersed and went about their business.
Smith later admitted to feeling a twang of guilt about
the incident. "That knuckle sandwich had been meant
for my girlfriend," he said. Smith went home and
made her a salad of deep despair instead.
Tuesday
02\14\06 -
9:44 AM GMT
The Brick Testament: Who loves
you, baby?
 
Could there be anything more romantic than snuggling
up with the one you love, dimming the lights, and checking
out nine new stories added to the Brick
Testament website? These new stories kick off a
revamp of the New Testament side of the site, with some
older stores redone and new stories added. Enjoy, and
remember, even if you're alone this Valentine's Day,
you're not really alone. Jesus is there. And also remember
that if you're having a sexy romantic evening with your
lover, Jesus is also there. But he's covering his eyes
during the nasty parts.
Thursday
02\09\06 -
2:19 AM GMT
Six more dead in riots over
comic strip
Violent rioting broke out again today prompted
by the decision of 2,570 newspapers worldwide to continue
running the painfully unfunny daily comic strip Garfield.
Though the public has quietly suffered the presence
of the comic strip since 1978, matters came to a head
this week when groups of fanatical Garfield detractors
banded together to protest the printing of the strip's
10,000th daily comic. Police were forced to resort to
violent measures today, fatally wounding four protesters
as they attempted to firebomb the Muncie, IN, home of
Garfield creator Jim Davis. Two others died last
night after setting themselves ablaze on Davis's front
lawn.
Saturday
02\04\06 -
11:53 AM GMT
Heaven full
Dying soon? You may want to hold off on that plan
because expert theologians are reporting that heaven
is full. No matter how virtuous their lives on Earth,
those perishing today will be forced to make other accommodations
for eternity. And you can't count on staying in Limbo
either. In fact, it was Pope Benedict XVI's recent decision
to alter Catholic doctrine to eliminate belief in Limbo
which caused heaven to become suddenly and unexpectedly
inundated with all those who died before Jesus brought
salvation into the world, plus all the babies who lived
after Jesus, but died before receiving baptism. Angels
are reportedly working round the clock to add a new
wing to heaven to accommodate the faithful. The expected
completion date is 2017.
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