- August 2001 -
Thursday
8\30\01 - 10:54 PM GMT
Local
Man saves the day
An elderly couple was in the midst of being mugged
by armed hoodlums when, just in the nick of time, Local
Man appeared on the scene. "Leave these kind folks
alone," he demanded. Terrified, one thug was heard
to say to the other, "Let's get out of here, it's
Local Man." Before the night was over, Local Man
had rescued a cat stuck in a tree, and thwarted an evil
genius's diabolical plan to blow up the town.
Saturday
8\26\01 - 7:17 PM GMT
Smith
composes shitlist
For the first time in his life, Rev. Smith sat down
today to compose a shitlist, and ever since the news
leaked there has been a flurry of media speculation
as to who is and who isn't on the list. "You can
bet Tony
Danza is heading up that list," said Brock
Hamilton of TV's Celebrity Focus, "he
hasn't returned Smith's phone calls for months now."
Also named as strong candidates for inclusion were:
Ben Affleck, Béla Fleck, Patrick
Swayze (and entourage), Gordon "Sting"
Sumner, Ron Popeil, and master entertainers
Siegfried
& Roy.
Wednesday
8\22\01 - 7:17 PM GMT
Fear
of paranoia
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has recently been
in the grips of an acute and incapacitating fear of
paranoia. Afraid to venture outside lest he become convinced
that everyone is out to get him, Smith has stayed indoors
for the past several days, where he has been too scared
to even watch television lest he view a program that
would convince him of a grand conspiracy that reaches
to the highest levels of trusted authority. Although
never having actually experienced paranoia, Smith has
deep-seated fears that such an affliction could overtake
him at any moment.
Friday
8\17\01 - 7:17 PM GMT
Smith
shouts own name, doubles in size
A surprise discovery of a previously unknown superhuman
ability was made today when Rev. Smith found that by
simply shouting his own name he could suddenly double
in size, becoming for a brief period of time a giant
of imposing stature. Smith attributes this newfound
ability to a distant blood relation to Apache Chief
of the Superfriends. One can only speculate as to what
great use Smith will put this special talent, or as
to why exactly he was shouting his own name in the first
place.
Tuesday
8\14\01 - 7:17 PM GMT
The
final countdown
Excitement levels reached near hysteria today as
crowds everywhere gathered
to ready themselves for the final countdown.
Unruliness was the order of the day as people pushed
and pulled, some climbing atop one another, desperate
for a better view. And finally when the designated hour
finally approached, a deafening voice was heard above
all the chaos: "Ten... nine... eight... seven...
six... five... four... three... two... one!" The
crowds then quietly dispersed.
Saturday
8\11\01 - 7:17 PM GMT
Smith,
GOD, settle out of court
Months, possibly years of lengthy court battles
and escalating legal fees were averted today when The
Rev. Brendan Powell Smith and GOD settled out-of-court
the matter of rights to the universe. The fight began
a few weeks back when Smith inadvertently stumbled upon
the fact that GOD had never patented the universe, and
that it was therefore in the public domain. After securing
a patent himself, Smith sued GOD for his ongoing claims
of ownership. The amount of the settlement is unknown
at this point, but insiders believe that it could be
upwards of US$5.
Wednesday
8\8\01 - 4:52 PM GMT
Salt
water: too salty
A recent poll reveals that the vast majority of
Americans find salt water to be "too salty".
Taking immediate action on the issue, President Bush
today announced plans to remove large quantities of
salt from the world's oceans - or at least those which
border the US. Noting that the same poll also showed
that a significant majority finds the ocean's waters
"too cold", Bush announced he was looking
into long-term plans to heat the world's ocean waters
to "a more reasonable temperature".
Sunday
8\5\01 - 5:58 PM GMT
Brainwashed
Rev. Smith visited his doctor today for a routine
brain washing. "I'm a pretty clean guy," said
Smith, "but there are always those hard-to-reach
places which are best left to the experts." The
four hour procedure involved delicately removing the
top of Smith's skull, then using a powerful hose to
wash away months of gummy dirt and buildup."I feel
100% better," noted Smith shortly afterward, "my
head feels really clear now." After doctors removed
Smith's brain and hand-scrubbed it, it was replaced
and dried with high-powered air jets. His next appointment
is scheduled for October.
Thursday
8\2\01 - 2:05 PM GMT
Cure
for summertime blues
Though most of the US is suffering through one of
the worst heatwaves on record, there is now reason to
cheer. After months of diligent laboratory work, Rev.
Smith and a team of dedicated scientists have finally
found a successful cure for the summertime blues. "For
decades now a cure has eluded us," said Smith at
a press conference today, "and for years it seemed
are efforts were in vain. But just last week we finally
stumbled upon it. As it turns out, the cure for the
summertime blues is penicillin."
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