- August 2003 -

Friday 8\29\03 - 10:38 PM GMT
Laughter not the best medicine
Contrary to the age-old bit of folk wisdom, an extensive new scientific study by the Merck corporation strongly suggests that laughter is not the best medicine. In thousands upon thousands of test cases, laughter was shown to have a 100% failure rate in curing viral and bacterial-based infections and disease. Among those in very fragile condition, laughter actually had notably negative consequences, in some cases causing patients to spit up blood or lose consciousness. With the success of this new study, Merck is currently looking for volunteer patients to help test the theory that "time heals all wounds".

Tuesday 8\25\03 - 10:38 PM GMT
Smith mentally challenged
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was in poor spirits today after a series of mental challenges left him mentally challenged. It all started when longtime friend and associate Mark Pilloff walked in the room and began rattling off a series of riddles, logic puzzles, and brain teasers. Smith struggled to come up with the correct answer to several of them before finally giving up in exasperation. "Fourteen?" laughed Pilloff derisively at one point. "Try a hundred and forty-two!" Smith sighed, slumped in his chair, and massaged his aching temples.

Thursday 8\21\03 - 1:55 AM GMT
Rape, infidelity, and defecation
The Brick Testament updates today with seven new illustrated stories from The Law section of the Old Testament. Learn what God almighty has to say on the subject of rape, the proper treatment of prisoners of war, how to handle jealousy in marriage, how to differentiate baldness from scalp disease, and where to take a shit while at war. The latest stories are here.

Sunday 8\17\03 - 9:20 PM GMT
Frolic injury
Rev. Smith suffered a sprained ankle and bruised forehead this morning after frolicking with friends in a dewy meadow. Smiles turned to frowns as Smith accidentally collided with a fellow merry-maker and then stumbled to the ground. The National Safety Council recommends that frolickers wear safety helmets, goggles, and paded clothing. It is not believed that Smith was wearing any protective gear at the time of his injury. Doctors had previously recommended frolicking to Rev. Smith as a way to calm down after an incident last month when Smith pulled a muscle in his arm while angrily shaking it at passers-by.

Tuesday 8\12\03 - 11:14 AM GMT
National deli sandwich month
Everyone knows that February is Black History month, but did you know that the entire month of August has also been set aside as a time of reflection and celebration? Whether you're black, white, Latino, or Asian / Pacific-Islander, it's time to break out the corned beef, pastrami, olive loaf, bacon, salami, turkey, honey ham, roast beef, prosciutto, mortadella, lettuce, tomatoes, swiss cheese, mayonnaise, and pickles, because the people of the Sara Lee corporation have brought to our attention that this is National Deli Sandwich month. Show your support!

Monday 8\4\03 - 5:09 PM GMT
Smith makes himself scarce
In a desperate attempt to increase his personal net worth, Rev. Smith is applying the law of supply-and-demand to his own benefit by cutting short the supply of himself to the world. "The latest reports indicate that demand for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is at an all-time low," said Smith's financial advisor H. Larry Whittaker, "but by making the supply of himself dwindle in proportion to that demand, Smith's value can be maintained and could actually increase." Financial experts have expressed their doubts that Smith's desperate ploy will succeed. "Tony Danza attempted this same move in the wake of The Tony Danza show," noted analyst Martin Vaughn. "and now America has forever lost one of its great comic voices."

Wednesday 8\1\03 - 2:33 PM GMT
Don't hold your breath
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is slated to appear in a series of upcoming public service announcements designed to combat the growing popularity among teenagers of "hoffing" or holding your breath for as long as possible, often in competition with peers. Hoffing is believed to have been responsible for 7 deaths in the first six months of 2003, up from 1 death the previous six months. The 30-second spots are set to run during Saturday morning cartoons, and will feature Smith delivering the ad campaign's signature line: "Think hoffing will make you cool? Don't hold your breath."