- July 2000 -
Friday
7\28\00 - 6:19 PM GMT
Banacek marathon
Rev. Smith was in attendance - and dressed in costume - for the first
annual 26-hour Banacek marathon held at the Regal Theatre
in Montreal yesterday. All 16 episodes of the
Banacek TV series (1972-74) were shown back-to-back,
plus the 2-hour pilot. Attendees raised money
for The A-Team foundation, helping Mr. T in his time
of need.
Monday
7\24\00 - 5:42 PM GMT
Smith offends GOD
The supreme being today announced that his honor had been insulted
by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith's popular comic strip
The
Second Coming. Accordingly he has challenged
Smith to a duel. The two will settle the matter
with pistols at dawn tomorrow. GOD is widely
believed to be the better shot, but Smith has previously
felled such worthy opponents as Archduke Mortimer IV
and Lord Harrington of Ames.
Tuesday
7\21\00 - 5:42 PM GMT
Disaster narrowly avoided
Widespread catastrophic disaster of worst kind was believed certain to
strike as of noontime today, with most people having
given up all hope of survival by 1pm. By 2:30,
a general panic had set in as swarms of people took
to the streets, not knowing what to do in the face of
the imminent cataclysm that had sealed their fate.
Then by 3:00, people realized that there was nothing
to be worried about after all and went on with their
lives.
Tuesday
7\18\00 - 3:18 AM GMT
Smith can freeze time at will
Struck by a radioactive meteorite in 1997, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith
gained the superhuman ability to stop the flow of time
for everyone but himself. Although he originally
had some vague plans to use this power to fight crime,
says Smith, these days he mostly just uses it to catch
up on a few hours of sleep here and there with no one
but himself the wiser.
Thursday
7\13\00 - 2:05 PM GMT
Brad
working on autobiography
In the wake of the stunning success of the web-based game
that bears his name, Brad
today announced he is working with an unknown ghost
author on an autobiography to be titled In the Absence
of Pants. Rumor has it that Brad offered old pal
Webster a sum of $300 to appear in the book. It was
later pointed out to him that you don't have to pay
people to appear in books.
Monday
7\10\00 - 7:30 PM GMT
Def comedy jam
Hey, how come they never have booze at the salad bar? Isn't that
kind of a misnomer? Did you ever notice how people
are always driving around during rush hour? Shouldn't
they know better by now? And what about scented
toilet paper? What's up with that? If God
wanted my ass to smell like a pine forest, don't you
think he would have made me that way in the first place?
Friday
7\07\00 - 1:50 AM GMT
Save those chickens!
Inspired by the hit movie Chicken Run, longtime animal
rights activist Rev. Smith, today joined Burger King
in calling for American citizens to save the chickens
of the world - by eating more burgers. "Only
by the routine slaughter of cows and the consumption
of their flesh," explained Smith, "can we
hope to ensure the survival of the world's domestic
fowl."
Monday
7\03\00 - 12:44 PM GMT
2,000 Years of American Independence
Tomorrow our nation rejoices, celebrating the 2,000th anniversary of
the day Jesus Christ declared American independence
from the oppressive Rome Empire. With pride we
recall how Jesus and the 12 disciples dumped crates
of espresso beans into the Sea of Galilee. Always
shall we remember the sacrifices made to ensure our
freedom. Truly, Jesus died for America.
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