- March 2004 -

Sunday 04\03\04 - 1:52 PM GMT
Fuck you, we're going to Arby's™
Three years after fast food chain Arby's hired Rev. Smith to provide a much-needed shot in the arm to their public image, Smith has once again provided the company with a punchy new slogan for their TV and print ads. The first 30-second spot aired last night during an episode of The West Wing. Several attractive twenty-something couples are seen bickering over where to eat dinner, when suddenly one of them says, "Fuck you, we're going to Arby's." We then cut to a shot of the defiant couple heartily enjoying a meal of roast beef sandwiches, Jamocha shakes, and curly fries. It is unknown how much Smith was paid for his services.

Monday 03\29\04 - 4:36 PM GMT
Tupac Shakur releases 32nd posthumous album
For the 32nd time since his untimely death at the age of 25 in September 1996, Tupac Shakur has released a new album. The new double-CD Ova My Dead Body is the first since last month's simultaneous releases of Str8 Out Tha Crypt and Rememba Me? I'm Dead. Several other deceased rappers make featured appearances on Tupac's new album including Eazy-E (1963-1995), Notorious B.I.G. (1972-1997), Big Punisher (1971-2000), and Vanilla Ice (1968-1994). Tupac is also slated to appear in the upcoming John Singleton movie Luke Cage and will have a recurring role on next season's UPN hit sitcom All of Us.

Wednesday 03\24\04 - 2:39 AM GMT
Smith considers becoming reclusive author
With the success of his first Brick Testament book, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is considering becoming a reclusive author. "It's not that my fame has become a burden to me just yet," explained Smith in a telephone interview. "It's just that there aren't a lot of other career paths where you even get the option of becoming reclusive. So it seems that I should at least give some consideration to moving into a rural country home in some unnamed state, declining all interviews, and only contacting the outside world through my literary agent." Smith says his mind is far from made up, and that he is still also considering the option of becoming a media whore.

Friday 03\19\04 - 10:10 AM GMT
New study on dangers of reality TV
Every time you sit in front of the TV and watch a so-called "reality TV" show, you lose about 60 minutes from your life. Such is the startling findings of a new study in this month's New England Journal of Medicine. "While an hour here or there might not seem like much," said Dr. Stanislaw Eckert, "they quickly add up. Even a casual viewer of shows like Adultery Island or Celebrity Pet Mortuary can be losing precious weeks -- even months off their lives that could have been spent watching other highly engrossing TV shows, such as televised sports or 1980s sitcom reruns."

Sunday 03\14\04 - 8:04 PM GMT
Morning constitutional ruled unconstitutional
A superior court judge has ruled that Rev. Smith's practice of taking regular early morning fitness walks flies in the face of what our forefathers had in mind when they framed the guiding principles of our nation's laws. "By waking up at the crack of dawn and taking a brisk walk through the hillside woods behind your home, Mr. Smith," said judge Emmanuel Obermauer, "you are making a mockery of everything good and decent in our society's moral underpinnings." The judge then sentenced Smith to seventy-two minutes of community service, and added: "Next time wear some clothes, you pervert."

Tuesday 03\09\04 - 5:53 PM GMT
Gibson's movie receives high praise
Church groups across the United States and abroad are turning out in droves to support the controversial Mel Gibson movie that some have described as being misguided and "too violent". "Yes, there is a great amount of suffering depicted in this movie," said Rev. Amos Henry of Blackburn, SC, "but it is all integral to the story. Gibson is to be commended." Critics of the movie have expressed particular outrage at the scene in which Gibson's character shoots a man in the foot and shoulder before placing a pillow over his face and shooting him in the head. Payback, released in 1999, is the tale of a low-life criminal who goes on a murderous rampage seeking vengeance and $70,000 in cash.

Friday 03\05\04 - 5:53 PM GMT
Bush revokes right of women to vote
President Bush today signed the Defense of Democracy Act which officially defines voting rights as belonging only to males. "The treatment of women as second-class citizens," said Bush, "is one of the most enduring human institutions, practiced over the millennia of human experience, in all cultures and by every religious faith." Bush went on to declare that "ages of experience have taught humanity that the restricting the vote to males promotes the general welfare and the stability of society". By signing the act, Bush seeks to "return America to the sort of place our forefathers envisioned when they ratified our constitution." Over the upcoming weeks, Bush is expected to sign an bill that would further restrict the vote to land-owning males and another act that would re-legalize the institution of slavery.