- March 2003 -
Thursday 3\27\03 - 11:14 AM GMT
Animal
Husbandry
Rev. Smith today gave a fiery speech denouncing
the practice of animal husbandry in all its forms. "I'm
not some kind of pervert, so I don't know what exactly
this whole 'animal husbandry' thing is, but it sounds
very wrong to me," said Smith, "very wrong." He went
on to say that he was "pretty sure" it was also an abomination
against God. "I understand that in many foreign countries,
this so-called 'occupation' is the number one form of
employment. Well, if you ask me, that's just fucking
gross."
Sunday
3\23\03 - 7:21 PM GMT
Extra
security at Oscars frustrates terrorists
Terrorist organizations worldwide expressed great
frustration today at the plan for heightened security
at this year's Oscar Awards show. The US government
has long known that anti-US terrorists want nothing
more than to strike at America's most precious resources,
it's movie stars. "These celebrities must be protected
at all costs," stated Homeland Security Director
Tom Ridge. "We are pulling security away from other
potential terrorist targets all over the greater Los
Angeles area," said LA Police Chief William J.
Bratton. "No rogue nation or militant group is
going to harm our country's superstars tonight."
Wednesday
3\19\03 - 11:45 PM GMT
Jesus
gives final approval, war begins
After nearly two thousand years of espousing a
strict policy of neighborly love and nonviolence, going
so far as to recommend we "turn the other cheek"
when struck by an enemy, our lord and savior Jesus Christ
this evening revealed that he is in full support of
the United States in making a massive preemptive attack
on Iraq. In a cabinet meeting tonight, Jesus himself
delivered the go-ahead for war directly to US president
and born-again
Christian George W. Bush with two
words: "let's go."
Saturday
3\15\03 - 5:12 PM GMT
Bush
to fix economy with start of new war
US President George W. Bush today revealed that
over the past six months he has been secretly investing
billions and billions of taxpayer dollars into gambling
on the precise date the war on Iraq will begin. Having
used hundreds of trusted private citizens as proxies
to place thousands upon thousands of separate bets with
Internet-based gambling agencies and private bookies,
Bush declared that when US planes begin bombing the
bajeezus out of Iraq and its citizens in the upcoming
weeks, "everybody wins."
Tuesday
3\12\03 - 1:58 AM GMT
Brick
Testament: rebellion & repercussions
The
Brick Testament celebrates its 100th illustrated
Bible story today with the unveiling of nine new stories
from the Israelites' continued wanderings in The
Wilderness. Join the increasingly hopeless Chosen
People as they desperately rebel against God and then
face the devastating wrath of the most loving, caring,
and merciful being in the universe.
Tuesday
3\8\03 - 3:22 PM GMT
Laser
eye surgery
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith reported today that
he is seriously considering getting laser eye surgery.
"I read this pamphlet about it at the mall, and
it seems pretty cool," said Smith. "I've always
wanted to have a laser eye." Smith went on to describe
the new things this surgery would allow him to do. "I
could shine it on the movie screen when I'm at the theater.
OK, that's pretty lame," said Smith, "but
I bet it could also work as a can opener if I shoot
the laser around the edge of the can." Smith later
added that he would try to use his new powers "only
for good".
Tuesday
3\4\03 - 4:50 PM GMT
Terror
alert: green
The US government today put Rev. Smith's personal
terror alert at "green", which indicates that
there is no immediate danger of a terrorist attack against
Smith. "As long as he stays out of major metropolises,
especially New York and Washington, DC, the terror outlook
for Rev. Smith looks quite good. Nothing to worry about,"
said an aide to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Earlier in the month, Smith's terror alert was briefly
bumped up to "blue", or "slightest possibility
of danger", when Smith entered his local town hall
to pay his electricity bill.
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